How to Say No
As with all relationships, honesty is the best policy.
Human beings are sexual beings who need to love and be loved . However, it is far better to be honest with yourself and with your partner, if you are uncomfortable about having sex.
In the Name of Love
The portrayal of casual sex on television today is distorting the fine line between love and sexual intimacy. Some women may have the following misconceptions about sex and love, thinking:
- Sex is the only way to keep my partner interested .
- If I don’t have sex with him, he will leave me for someone else.
- If I love him, sex is the only way to prove it.
There are fundamental differences between love and sexual intimacy. Those of us who are older and wiser can testify to this: there can be no positive correlation between the two in some relationships.
If that’s the case, the right questions to ask where sex is concerned may be:
- Am I in the right relationship?
- Is this the right time to have a sexual relationship?
- What are the consequences?
Decisions are never easy, but knowing yourself will help you strengthen your will. The surer you are of yourself, the less likely you would be flattered or pressured into doing something you're not ready for.
Mutual understanding and respect allows you and your partner to accept and appreciate each other with greater trust. It's not always easy, but it's worth making the effort.
With HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections on the rise, the decision to have casual sex is one with serious consequences today.
What You Can Do
A couple may not have intended to have sex - it just happened. Blame it on the moonlight or too much romance in the air. Regardless of the reason, one thing is for sure—it’s too late to figure it out, it has happened. Perhaps you should consider screening to make sure you didn’t catch anything you’d rather not have.
If you are not willing or ready to have sex, it is best to avoid getting into situations such as:
- heavy kissing or petting
- intimate dancing
- excessive drinking of alcohol
Research suggests that women are more vulnerable in some of these situations compared to men . In general, women also tend to be less assertive, believing that having sex means gaining acceptance in the eyes of their partner.
What You Can Say
If you do find yourself in an awkward situation, try these tips to help you deal with it .
| Him: | I won't use a condom. |
| You: | Condoms can protect us from HIV. I will not risk having unprotected sex. |
| Him: | What’s wrong with you? Everybody's doing it without condoms. |
| You: | Some people do things to impress others but they don’t consider the consequences. We can have sex, but NOT without any protection. |
| Him: | If you love me, you would do what I say. |
| You: | I do love you and I care about how you feel, but I trust that you wouldn’t put either one of us in a situation where we might both regret. |
| Him: | If you won't have sex with me, I’ll just find someone else who will. |
| You: | It is better for both of us to take precautions, to our best interests. Having casual sex with someone else shows your lack of commitment to me. |
| Him: | I'll die if I don't have sex. |
| You: | No, you won't. |
