Cheating Hearts – Coping with Infidelities and Affairs
The sad reality is affairs do happen, albeit not all the time. And they aren't always sexual. When two people share intimacy that breaches the trust of another partner, even emotional intimacy, it is considered infidelity.
But whether it's a sexual betrayal or an emotional affair, it is just as hurtful to both men and women. While men tend to stray from their relationships more often than women, some adulterers are female too.
Why Do People Stray?
The reason for an affair varies. Some people use their affair as a way to force the end of a failing relationship. Some are facing a problem in their relationship and the affair becomes an unconscious way of highlighting the issues to force both partners to confront them.
Some live for the adrenaline rush that comes with doing something illicit or the thrill of an exciting relationship. Some even carry on with long-term or successive affairs, usually to deal with the stifling feeling that they get from a monogamous relationship.
Is He Cheating on Me?
It's not easy to tell whether your partner is cheating on you. Some affairs are discovered quickly because the signs are almost a dead giveaway, while others can remain undiscovered for years.
It's understandable if you feel bad for even suspecting him of straying. After all, a suspicion on your part is also a breach on the trust between the both of you. But here are a few pointers on the general behaviour of someone who's cheating:
- They suddenly develop different habits or a change in attitudes.
- They're secretive about their whereabouts.
- They're unwilling to share their feelings and keep secrets from you.
- They humiliate you in front of others.
However, there's a fine line between suspicion and paranoia. You need a reality check before you go storming in demanding for the truth.
Do not react negatively and don't try to exert control by force. It's only going to make things worse if you demand that he stop meeting his friends or check his phone all the time.
It's better to talk honestly about the problems you're both having and try to work it out together. Being overly paranoid will only strain your relationship further.
When the Truth is Out
Whether it's years in the making or a sudden discovery, it is always painful and shocking when an affair is revealed. Here is how you can cope:
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It's okay to feel sadness, rage and confusion. It is a tough journey so don't berate yourself if you are overwhelmed with emotion.
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It's okay if you feel your confidence is shattered. You may question yourself and lose faith in relationships, but you will eventually survive this.
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It's okay to be worried about the future. If you both decide to try and make your relationship work, then you'll need to calm down and talk to understand why the affair occurred, and discuss how to mend the broken trust. If you decide to end the relationship, you'll also need to discuss your parting plans.
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Don't plot revenge to get back at him, or worse, pick a fight with the third party. Your rage is understandable but it's better to calm down and deal with your other half rationally.
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It's good to talk – whether with your family, friends or even professionals. Therapy can be very useful if you're having trouble coping with the discovery of the affair. If you're trying to make the relationship work again, couple or marriage therapy can also help make a difference.
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Pick up the pieces. Try not to let yourself slip into depression. Whether you've decided to move forward alone or settle down to repair your relationship, it takes effort and strength so believe in yourself. Things will get better.
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Consider going for a health check. If you have had unprotected sex with your partner and you suspect they have been sexually involved with another person, you should consider being tested for a sexually transmitted infection. You could be at-risk of a sexually transmitted infection, like HIV, that doesn't show signs or symptoms in the initial stages. Talk to your family doctor to find out more.
