Love Shouldn’t Hurt – Are You in a Healthy Relationship?
Just when you thought you’ve found the ideal relationship with a great partner, the unthinkable happened.
Your partner apologises for his hurtful behaviour yet again, and you aren’t so sure of the beautiful loving future that you had dreamed of previously.
If this sounds familiar, it’s time to reconsider and re-examine the state of your relationship. Is it a healthy relationship?
Unhealthy relationship
Relationships can sometimes turn abusive. It usually starts small, perhaps in the form of a cruel remark, unexplained jealousy or controlling behaviour. But over time it may escalate. It can become more frequent and more violent.
Abuse occurs in many forms. Words may not leave a physical mark but this does not mean verbal abuse is harmless. Insults, intimidations and threats can cause just as much emotional duress as physical or sexual harm.
Love always starts out beautiful, but if things take a turn for the worse, you should protect your rights and your needs.
Spotting the signs
While you may brush off that one incident as a rough patch in your relationship, you need to start taking action to protect yourself if the abuse continues. Here’re a few signs to help you identify if your relationship is healthy.
It is likely an abusive relationship if your other half does some of these things:
- Gets jealous or possessive easily, or suspects you of being unfaithful
- Puts you down, insults, criticises, mocks, belittles or embarrasses you in public
- Isolates you by preventing you from meeting your friends and family
- Controls your access to finances
- Has little control over his anger or has erratic mood swings
- Makes all the decisions and ignores your needs and concerns
- Harasses you by following you, checking your mail and mobile phone, embarrasses you in public
- Makes threats, intimidates by breaking things in the house, or behaves in a way that scares you
- Uses violence: hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, shoving, choking, biting, etc.
- Forces, threatens or intimidates you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
- Blames you for his violent behaviour or says that you deserve it
- Apologises and asks for forgiveness for his behaviour but repeats it
Getting help
Spousal abuse is more than just about anger. It is usually about instilling fear and intimidating others so that one can have the power and control in a relationship. It’s a difficult cycle to break, but you can do something about it once you put your mind to it.
- Remember: It’s not your fault
- Seek help for yourself
- Pursue legal action
- Make a crisis plan to leave
Have faith and do not pin the blame on yourself because you’re not responsible for the violence. Your other half had the choice to react in other ways besides using violence. You have the right to be free from verbal, physical or sexual harm. And you’re not the only one. Abuse happens to women regardless of age and backgrounds.
Your friends and family are an important source of support so talk to them and get their advice. In fact, there are a few agencies and organisations that can help. You can always call and talk to them in confidence or to get information to help you decide your next course of action.
As a victim of abuse, you can always seek police help. You can also apply for Personal Protection Order (PPO) which legally requires the abuser to keep away from you. For more serious cases, you can also apply for Domestic Exclusion Order (DEO) which bars the abuser from entering a specific room or house.
It’s not easy to just uproot and end a relationship, especially if you’ve already built a family around it. But it’s good to make a plan ahead of time. Know exactly where you’ll go and how to get there, so that you have everything arranged when you need to leave.
Here are some numbers you can call to seek for more information or support:
- AWARE Helpline: 1800-774 5935
- Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe): 6555 0390
