FAQ
- I just found out that my child is sexually active! What should I do?
- My niece is 17 this year. I remember her as a polite and adorable little girl, the typical ‘daddy’s girl’. However, I recently got to know that she has became "wild",...?
I just found out that my child is sexually active! What should I do?
First of all, you will need to stay calm. It is not surprising to want to react in panic, anger and shock, but confronting or interrogating your child, giving him/her a lecture or even calling him/her names will not help at all. Pretending that it never happened will also not help. Take some time to settle your own emotions before finding an opportunity to speak to your child to find out more.
When talking to your child, bear in mind the following:
- Ask open ended questions. Questions like, "How is your relationship with so-and-so coming along?", or if you know they went out over the weekend, you could ask "How was your weekend with so-and-so?" Allow your child to speak and share with you more about his/her relationship. Remember, two-way communication is the key, not a one-way lecture from the parent.
- Avoid any display of judgment when talking to your child. These can be subtly conveyed through your body language e.g. rolling your eye, crossing your arms etc. When a child senses that he/she is being judged, the communication channel is more likely to be shut down.
- Listen with an open mind. Listening is an important skill but it is also the least used by parents. Listen to your child as he/she shares with you about his/her relationship. Reserve your viewpoint to the end when you have a clearer picture of what his/her relationship is about. Listening also allows you to hear the deeper, sometimes unspoken, thoughts, feelings and emotions of your child.
- Probe deeper if you sense that there is more to the sexual activity.. Sometimes there could be other issues such as peer pressure, attention-seeking behaviour or deeper emotional struggles that your child is grappling with and he/she has used sex as an outlet.
After you have 'investigated' the situation, you might want to take the opportunity to discuss your views with your child. Avoid 'talking-down' to your child; engage in a conversation with him/her as if you are a friend. Share with him/her what you think about engaging in sexual activity at a young age, or before marriage (depending on your personal values and what you wish to inculcate in your child), the consequences of engaging in sexual activities (your child may know about pregnancy, but do highlight the possibility of contracting sexually transmitted infection (STI) such as Herpes, Chlamydia or worse, AIDS) and what your child can do from now on (it’s not too late to commit to secondary virginity, or to teach him/her about safety precautions).
Help your child manage his/her desire as follows:
- Set boundaries for physical intimacy e.g. holding hands and kissing is ok, but no deep kissing or petting. Do highlight that kissing, although tempting, can lead to greater physical intimacy.
- Avoid going to each others' homes when there is no one else there. Also avoid going alone to deserted places such as parks, void decks, staircases etc.
- Teach your child to say "No" and walk away from situations that he/she may feel uncomfortable in.
- Encourage group outings and involve your child’s "steady" in your family activities whenever possible without stifling them – this way you’ll have them under your safe eyes!
The important thing at the end of the day is to keep that communication channel open, so that your child will come to you for future advice before he/she decide to do certain things.
My niece is 17 this year. I remember her as a polite and adorable little girl, the typical ‘daddy’s girl’. However, I recently got to know that she has became "wild", and has had several boyfriends, and has even had sex with some of them. While I empathise with my sister, I am afraid that my own little girl, who is 11 this year, might turn out to be like my niece. How can I get her ready to handle independence and responsibility as she grows older?
Getting your child ready to handle independence and responsibility is like flying a kite. You need to learn at times to let the line go, and at times, you’d need to pull the string back a little. Carefully release bits of independence and responsibility to your child as she grows. Whilst she is still young and dependent on you, you can guide her to handle independence and responsibility under your watchful eyes. You can 'test the water' occasionally by entrusting her with various activities to see how she handles the freedom granted to her. If you have already established good communication channels you’re your child, you can discuss how she handled herself. Here again, instead of lecturing, help her to reflect on her strengths as well as areas for improvement.
Remember that, ultimately, you have to let your child go. So, instead of protecting her all the time, you want to equip her so that she can handle her life without crumbling when she faces adversities.
