So Your Son/Daughter is Having Sex... What Next?
No matter what your stance, the reality today is, more adolescents are engaging in sex. It’s no longer an adults-only zone.
In your eyes, your son or daughter is always a child. So when you find out that he or she is sexually active, you may be very upset. Chances are, it’s hard enough dealing with your own feelings of shock and disappointment, let alone think about how to talk to him/her about it!
It’s difficult, but take heart, it’s still possible to manage the situation. Here’s our take on the issue.
To Punish or Not To Punish?
We can’t stress this enough: adopting an attitude of unconditional love is critical. Do understand that taking a firm stand is different from shaming your adolescent.
Harsh discipline – be it strict curfews, the silent treatment or scolding them at every opportunity – will not change the consequences. In fact, brutal words and restriction of freedom may foster a rebellious attitude in your adolescent and make things worse.
It’s never too late to help him/her understand issues of trust and responsibility. Being supportive in their transition from puberty to adulthood is probably the best way forward.
Taking the First Step
Here are some tips on how to speak with your son/daughter:
- Avoid being confrontational. Create a conducive and non-intimidating situation where you can express your concern and desire to listen and help.
- Respect your son/daughter’s privacy. Allow time for him or her to open up.
- Explain what age-appropriate behaviour is. A 12-year-old may be physically capable of sex but may not possess the emotional maturity to handle the feelings that come with taking such a major step. Sex is more than just a physical act. Talk about it in holistic terms such as emotional, psychological and spiritual aspects of sex.
- In Singapore, the legal age of consent for sexual activity is 16 years of age. Help your son/daughter to understand the consequences of his or her behaviour from a legal perspective. An offender can be imprisoned for up to five years and/or pay a fine of up to $10,000.
- Address important issues like pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and sexual harassment. Discuss precautions and risks candidly. Explore with your son/daughter what they should do if they encounter such situations. Foster their self-esteem to assert themselves to avoid an undesirable situation.
- Equip yourself with the basics of sexually transmitted infections to explain what they are. They may not realise that you cannot tell from looking at someone if they have a sexually transmitted infection, including HIV/AIDS.
- Help your son/daughter to handle the responsibilities that come with growing up or engaging in casual sex. Use the opportunity to reinforce good values (but again, try not to preach as that tends to turn adolescents off).
- Understand the motivation behind your son/daughter’s behaviour. Many surveys show that peer pressure, boredom and curiosity are the most common reasons for embarking on sexual activities.
- Get to know your son/daughter’s friends. Find out how they spend their free time and try to engage your adolescent in healthy and meaningful activities like new hobbies or sports.
- Spend quality time with your son/daughter and participate in activities together to strengthen your family bond.
- Communicate openly and honestly, and assure your son/daughter of your unconditional love.
The best thing you can do as a parent is to help your son/daughter understand sexual issues and its consequences.
Prepare them early and well so that when they are old enough to be confronted with such situations, they are able to make well informed decisions.
