Together Forever – So Why Aren't You Ready for Kids?
You are in love. You have made a life-long commitment to be together. You have said your vows and bought a home. You’ve had your fill of Couple Time.
So the next logical step would be to have a baby, right?
Not necessarily.
Studies have shown that careful consideration and planning before getting pregnant is crucial. A study in the April 2000 issue of the Journal of Personality found that women who had given a great deal of thought to what being a parent means, were better adjusted as mothers, compared with new moms who did not consider the impact of their new roles on their lives.
No one should feel pressured to have children against his or her will. But you should study your reasons for putting off parenthood more closely. You may find that your resistance could be due to factors that are within your control. For example, you may see your best friend struggling to raise her babies, but your experience might have a different outcome.
More importantly, the two of you should see eye-to-eye on this issue. Even if you have no intention of having children in the near or distant future, having an honest discussion will allow both of you to understand each other’s convictions better. If need be, you may see a counsellor together to iron out any parenting matters that need some input from an impartial party.
- Enjoying couplehood
One main reason why newly-married couples do not want to have a baby so quickly is because they want to enjoy each other's company for a while more. While there is nothing wrong with that, you need to be mindful that a woman will find it more difficult to get pregnant and face more health problems later in life. Do sit down and hammer out a rough timeline.
Also keep in mind that if you choose to have a child later in life -- when you are 40, for example -- you will be 61 when your child reaches independence at age 21. Will you be willing to continue working to support your offspring while your peers may already be enjoying retirement and even have grandchildren?
- Money not enough
Another common reason for not having kids yet is that there is not enough money. Understandably, when you are still establishing yourself in your career, or have just plonked down a large sum of money for a love nest, you may feel that a kid is a financial burden you do not need for the time being. You may feel that, perhaps a few years down the road, you will be more ready.However, you do not want to leave things to chance. Ask around and calculate how much you need to have a child -- hospital, childcare, diapers, education -- the works. Start saving towards that amount. Get a range of budgets and opinions. Is the most expensive childcare centre really better than the neighbourhood one? Must your child have the Rolls Royce of prams?
- Time not enough
One of the realities of the modern lifestyle is that work takes up a huge chunk of our time. Stress at work is another factor cited by many for not wanting to have children just yet. Why add to the stress, you may say? A new addition can bring a lot of joy to the household and strengthen the love of a couple, and help relieve the stress of demanding jobs.The time factor, while tricky, can be managed with the help of grandparents, childcare centres, and a fair distribution of duties, so that no one will be overwhelmed with night feedings, diaper changes and other baby duties. Remember, parents should not feel too proud to ask for help! It does not imply that you are less competent than other parents.
- You don’t have role models
Many of us come from small families and may never have had the chance to carry a baby, let alone look after one. Naturally, you are worried about taking care of such a dependent and helpless infant. Your friends who are parents don’t seem to be coping well either. More scary still is how your own parents didn’t seem to enjoy family life, and may have given you a less than happy childhood.
What should we do when faced with these concerns? Are these good enough reasons not to have children of your own? Does a bad parent cause their children to become bad parents too? Are you denying yourself a chance at raising a happy family, just because others around you have not been able to do so? These are questions worth exploring.
Discuss these concerns openly with your spouse. And if both of you can’t get good answers, consider speaking to a family counsellor to help you sort out your thoughts.
- It takes two
Sometimes, one party may be ready and open about having a baby, but the other is not. Reasons can range from a woman being afraid of childbirth and labour, or a man fearing that he will not be a good father or simply disliking the sound of babies crying.
Are these rational reasons? Or just excuses? As much as it is a cliché, it really takes two to make a baby. If one party, for whatever reason, is unwilling, then there needs to be an open and honest discussion about the future. Keep an open mind, as people do change over time, and revisit the topic at an appropriate time.
